"Who sent you?!" barks an angry, and still intimidating despite his age, Steve Austin. Stallone, grasping at the rope being used to cut off circulation to his brain, manages to let out some muffled comment about Austin's Mother. Steve, being the gracious villain that he is, lays into Stallone's rib cage as any good thug should in response to such defiance.
"WHO. SENT. YOU." he repeats as the generic lines drip from his lips. This time, Stallone can't reply and points to his throat. "Breath" he chokes out, his face growing weird shades of red.
"Give him air," Austin commands the goon holding Stallone. He complies and Stallone bends over, sucking in precious oxygen once more.
"Tell me who sent you," tries Steve again. And what does Stallone utter in reply? Why an oh-so-clever "Your Hairdresser!"
And that pretty much marks why I consider the movie itself to be sadly self prophesying. Is it possible for a movie that you went into with very low, very achievable hopes for, to let you down? Apparently so. The Expendables, for me, was supposed to be a trip back to the 80s with over-the-top action stars pulling off impossible, but imaginative, action moves while taking out hordes of bad guys without getting so much as a nick. The dialogue was to be sparse, but witty and conveying a true sense of comradery amongst the cast of former and current movie leads. Just watching these guys together was supposed to be a blast in and of itself. The plot only needed to be thick enough to give us a motive and a villain, and the rest of the movie was to be non-stop guns and explosions.
Not-so-much. It was a tad sluggish, the majority of the dialogue was somewhere between genuinely funny and not quite corny enough to be Arnold one-liner funny, leaving you either confused or feeling like you needed to be 13 to appreciate it, and the side stories never gave the characters enough depth to justify taking time away from more crazy, mercenary action. The movie did have some bright moments and the climax was amazingly satisfying. There were spurts of humor, a great scene with Micky Rorke, and some action that was all a fan of this genre could ever want. And in retrospect, recapping some of the movie with fellow watchers made it more satisfying (like Napoleon Dynamite), but still not enough to make it recommendable as a "must see" or even a "get it as soon as it comes out." I'd mark it down as more of a "if it's on, check it out, it's worth watching", but not much more. Stallone's last two efforts, Balboa and Rambo are much better movies despite missing the amazing supporting cast if you're looking for a better trip down nostalgia lane.
Over all, I'll give this movie @@ out of @@@@. It has some great moments and some spot-on rediculousness, but not enough to overcome the dead weight shackling too much of the movie.
Brett "What's a guy got to do get Commando 2 made?" Hibbler
I was excited to see that Jet Li had one of the main roles in the Expendables. I was hoping for more fight scenes with Jet Li. Li did add humor with his explanation of why he should get a bigger share of the money. : )
ReplyDeleteDude! I love Commando! Are you just messin? Cuz I would totally go watch a sequel. I used to pretend that I was Alyssa Milano, taken by bad guys and my awesome dad comes to my rescue. Alas, like an Olympian competing in the javelin throw, he thrusts a pipe into his toughest opponent, exclaiming "Let off some steam, Bennett." Oh, that's good stuff right there.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, your low expectations of the Expendables was apparently too high. I stinkin loved it! I screamed a lot! That's what I base a good action movie on. How much I scream. So, I don't think those old men coulda done any more tricks than they did. You know they are all in physical therapy now. And I hope that your "great scene with Mickey Rourke" wasn't the sappy cry baby scene cuz that was completely unnecessary. Definitely woulda liked a little more John McClain. Maybe Sly was jealous cuz he's aging better than Rambo. I dunno. I'm really glad Stalone didn't kiss the chick in the end. That woulda been too much for me to handle. That gun that was blowin people in half...yeah, gotta get me one of those! Uh, so what kinda dialogue did you think these thugs were capable of anyway? Rambo/Rocky, He-Man/the Russian, Kindergarten Cop/Terminator, a couple of WWE meat heads, and some boys who nobody can remember their names. Mm, I think they gave it their all. And their all was good enough for me. I'm gonna go see it again with ma dad and bros. :)